he's so burnt out, i don't know if we're going to make it until the end of the year. i'm already looking for room shares that would allow me to fit two twin beds inside, one for me, and one for my daughter.
since he may not be able to work again, i'm looking for full-time work. he is now seeing specialists for his blood disorder, the same disorder that allowed him to nearly bleed to death the day i graduated college. no one can figure out why he isn't clotting, is severely anemic and has white blood cell counts just under what triggers tests for leukemia. the closest research hospital can't see him for several weeks, which is just one more layer of stress. layers i'm drowning in. he wants me fixed. and i keep telling him i don't know how fast i'm going to get better, going to quit hiding on the internet because our life is too painful to deal with, going to stop treating food like medicine - to be indulged in often and heartily.
and on that, can i admit that i hate myself? i wish i could have an eating disorder that wasn't depression related binge eating. i've gained 25 pounds in a month, and i don't even know how. it's not like i'm really tasting it anymore. the last couple of times this happened were during major depressive episodes - the first 6 months of our marriage, the first 6 months after losing our house the first time, the summer we lost our house the second time, and oh yeah. now, now that we've lost our house for the third time.
he talks about having to cover up for my sleeping and my depression, and my disinterestedness in our family, but it's embarrassing to continue supporting someone who can't keep a job, and whose instability helps plunge me into episodes. we're a pair, we are. and it's tough to know how much of his job instability was due to emotional distress at taking care of someone falling apart in front of him, as well as being mom and dad to our daughter for years, and having to drop out of college so i could finish. i'm just at my end.
i don't want to be preemptive, but i'm looking for a way to take care of myself. and if he's bailing on me like i'm sure he is, i want to be ready. so back to craigslist i go. if i was room sharing, i'm close to being able to pay rent and gas on my part time university wages. even if somehow i slung coffee for the other couple of days i have off, maybe i could make it. it wouldn't be pretty. but maybe. maybe we'd be okay.
i just want to make it to my first appointment with a psychologist, because today has been a proverbial rollercoaster, and i'm not sure how much lower i can feel these days. if he leaves, i guess i'll find out.
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