so he did it. even though i was trying to heal, trying to get better, promising i loved him, that i would be better soon. i've been on antidepressants for 5 weeks, and he left last week.
he got work in a town 2 hours from where the daughter and i live. and then told me not to come, and that he wanted her to come live with him. i fought it, because i actually do feel better. the meds have helped lift that crushing weight of black and sad, and my doc and i decided to up the dose from my initial one to help lift the grey. so what i'm feeling now is angry. angry with him. the daughter and i are doing so well - there's no stress, although i still get tired. but not with the need to hide and sleep... but the tired that comes from being a working single mom who gets up at 6 every morning, and goes to bed at midnight every night. i live for sleep in saturdays.
i'm angry that he bailed on us just as soon as he got a job. i'm so angry that i will have to beg him for money, to somehow justify my expenses. he opened his own checking account, and won't be able to deposit more than a hundred at a time. gee thanks. because our gas bills are about that every week. so i'm on my own.
we're seeing a counselor, separately, and eventually together. although i don't know. on my angry days, i just want to start over on my own, without him, without the pain of him, without trying to fix us. just getting away from him. because i'm so hurt, and so pissed. which i guess is better than sad and bewildered.
sunday, i felt okay about the separation. but today, thursday? fuck him. he talks to my friends about me, has a lot of shit to say, and then bails. and says i've hurt him too bad, and that he can't do it anymore. i'm not sure what comes next. i'm at my wit's end. gotta find a place to live, a car to drive, a better job, make sure i keep medicaid and food stamps, make sure i get a break on my student loans, buy furniture, and somehow keep a happy face on for the little girl who still adores the man who left me. not her. just me.
fuck. i'm so mad at him, i think it's time i brought this to a close. because it's ratcheting up my stress, and i don't need that today. i've lost 10 pounds this month, and i'm meeting with my personal trainer today to get month two's goals. gotta keep the stress down, because i'm gonna sweat it all out today. feel the burn i guess.
