it rained today. while normally it doesn't affect me, there was something about the combination of rain, having to put on a happy face and listening to people who just have their lives together that made me shut down.
we're at my mom's house, and as much as i love them, and need their support to make it anymore, it was too much. i want a quiet room, and silence, and no one "encouraging" me to use positive reinforcement to discipline my kid. i have none of those things, since we're now homeless. as to positive reinforcement's uses, i already knew it in theory, but when you are having a hard time getting out of bed in the morning, positive reinforcement becomes the least of your concerns. not that we beat her. i'm just always saying "no" or taking away privileges. because most of the time, i think i could curl up in a ball, and cry alice's tears, and float away.
it wasn't all bad today. we went to church, and i saw old friends who i love very much. they're working with the homeless, and recently opened up their home to a homeless single mother and her two kids. and i know there would be no judgement if i admitted that some days i don't even want to wake up. but it doesn't stop me from feeling so overwhelmed at the end of 4 hours of happy-facing that i want to sleep.
in the car, he started talking about how we're incredibly co-dependent, and that he's at the end of his ability to carry me. so of course what i hear is "you're a failure. you've broken me. you've ruined our marriage." doesn't make it true, but that's the place i'm in these days. he told me how our daughter was playing dress-up with her three bears, and that when asked who they were she told my mom "one is me, one is daddy, and the other is my friend." when asked where mommy was, she responded "mommy's not here anymore." why he thought that was a great way to make a point to me, i don't know. he then followed that with explaining how some of his friends from church feel that a mutually decided upon separation is biblical, and that no one would judge us for choosing it. i don't know how to tell him how unhelpful that is, without screaming, or crying, or vomiting - i feel like there is a darkness in me that swirls and eddies around my feet - it never leaves.
we got back to mom's house, where lunch started well, and then mom and my sister started in on the parenting advice. i was already feeling raw from the conversation in the car, and seeing old friends who don't seem to struggle to get up in the morning and all the feelings of failure associated with that. so once i sat through the well meaning lecture from one person who has never struggled with depression and the length of her marriage to my abusive, messed up dad forms the bulk of my current issues, and the other has battled depression but never had a kid and depression, let alone at the same time, i was done. well, i was done once they pulled the "i don't know if you realized it, but your husband is battling a life threatening illness" card. and i said it. though i felt like screaming it. of course i know. i know the fear of sitting in the hospital, and wondering if my daughter would have a father at the end of the day, and how i was going to make it by myself.
so now, in my quiet basement guest room, i have to get over all of this, and leave for another event with my mom and daughter. i'm just done. i could sleep a hundred years, waking up where this is all gone, and i'm not entirely sure anything would be better. it would just be gone. it's a bad day, though it didn't start that way. i'm not ready for it to continue though.
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